Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fast Food

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with people hatin' on fast food? I mean come on.

Jason Schwartzman's character on Bored to Death once said that, "The world is completely melting and yet beautiful women are still being produced. It's the one positive of these preappocolyptic times." Well, it's my intention to be around after whatever apocalypse he's talking about, and I have faith that it's my steady, unwavering fast food consumption that is going to give me the biological edge to survive.

I fucking love fast food. All types, all flavours. All the lowest grade meats, all the shitty service, all the unsanitary conditions. Despite having no research to back this up, I think that by conditioning myself to these often horrifying conditions has left me with an iron stomach, and a post-evolutionary resistance to shitty food. It's been about four years since I began this journey to my present superhuman state. It began as a slight addiction to the salty snacks and meals that I was mostly deprived of as a child, and having such temptations a stone's throw away, I couldn't help but indulge. However, this innocent indulgence soon became a lifestyle for me, as I found myself planning my weeks around the specials menu at Burger King, and eating late night Chinese food instinctively after late bouts of intoxication.

But, I seek not your pity! Instead, follow my lead to salvation. The possible, or near-certain pros of my gluttonous lifestyle first came to me when playing Fallout, a videogame based on a future where nuclear war has left the earth ravished, and stricken with radiation. Your near every choice for food and drink is reduced to glowing goods, riddled with radiation and toxins. Following my logic, you can see how in such a world, I would be quick to adapt comfortably to day-to-day life.

Also, another benefit of this lifestyle I abide is a sunken standard for food. My pallet has been so far reduced that even the most rudimentary tastes leave me salivating. This proved especially useful during an endeavor a friend of mine and me undertook not too long ago. Restricting our diets to a mere can of tuna, and one or two increasingly bland fruits and vegetables for two weeks, we both sought to shed a couple pounds (you can read more about it in his blog here). Speaking for myself (as this friend of mine unspeakably better than me in the culinary arts) I found the challenges of such a reduced diet to be less difficult to overcome.

As you can see, there are a number of choice benefits to my lifestyle, including but not limited to, the few mentioned here. So to those who look down on me from your fancy meal, I say keep your white tablecloth and your carte des vins, a wildcard or two is more than enough to keep me satisfied.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

porn-time interuptions

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with being interrupted when you have the mind-set, you have the daily goal to masturbate? I mean come on.

I had a long day today, which is going to be my excuse for cutting this short. Anyways, quite clearly, this long day has been filled of sexual anxiety, attractive passer-bys, and tight, semi-causing pants. After, there was nothing I wanted more than to just fap-n-nap.

So, I cruised some genres on spankwire, checked my favourite updated galleries, and had a nice selection to have my way with. I was a kid in a candy shop. I had my pick of the litter, and I was the bell of the ball. Then comes a knock on the door.

After 700 megabytes of streamed porn, (which is a lot of streamed video. Especially considering that I spent my 56k days getting off on, well kilobytes) I got interrupted, and headed to a bar for a drink with my pal. I'm home now, and I'm ready to go, if not more so from the tasty eye-candy at the bar, but that is beside the point. Masturbation is a ritual, and shouldn't be interrupted, especially on a Wednesday. which is after all, hump day.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with people not Fap-Crap-n-Napping regularly? I mean come on.

This one's gonna be a lil shawty, but I just wanted to riff for a few bars on the idea while I had the passion. So my job involves me working early-early in the day, so naturally, I am a big fan of the mid-day nap. However, when I get off work, I usually wanna hit the nap right away. But, my head is swimming with so many good ideas and funny jokes that it's impossible to quell the gems bouncing around in my applesauce.

Enter the Fap-Crap-n-Nap.

You get home all riled up from a hard day's labour, you rub one out to your fav boner jam. You're feeling a little better now. You hump it to the can, and drop off a fat load. You're a new man. You touch head to the pillow, and you're on your way to being rested and ready for whatever the rest of the day throws at you.

However, don't think that I've just thrown these ideas together willy-nilly. It's a science. To show you what I mean, I'll throw you a couple basics. First of all, the order. Obviously, nap comes last, but can you crap and fap? hell fucking no. If you crap first, and your butt is still going to be chattin about the dump you took, and it's gonna be smelly when you start poundin' your puddin'. You need to fap it first, so that you can crap it, and take a good pee so that the load remnants don't glue your dickhole closed. Well you say, maybe you wanna wake yourself up with a good beef jerky. To which i respond thusly: Say you're sleeping, and your buddy calls you up and says, "hey you gotta come bang this chick for me!" Instead of being a bad-ass friend, and taking 10 to rub out the easy one (if this is a practice you follow), you're going to be ready to rock, having given yourself a little tug, pre-nap-like.

And so, there you have, the magic of the fap-crap-n-nap.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

For a wealth of information on napping in an entertaining form, refer to:

The Perversion of Erotica

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people not using spank banks anymore? I mean come on.

I was in a 3rd-year English class, and somehow, my professor got onto the topic of masturbation. He confessed openly, of how in the 60s, he and his peers would use The Kinsey Report as erotica, under the guise of scientific research. It stirred within me, feelings and longing for a time lost.

My childhood, in the rural county.

The family computer.

The 56k modem.

Growing up, the options for erotica were limited, but the possibilities were endless. Sure, there was lingerie catalogues, suggestive music videos, cheap, late-night, soft-core porn and infomercials, but these were merely ingredients in the big dish. Every titillating sense, no matter how small, or impossible, was imported into the spank bank.

From it, there was no limit. Nobody saying ‘No’ or ‘Don’t Do That’ or ‘You’re Done Already?’. Just synapses rerouting wildly between gargantuan-titted chicks, spliced together of dead pornstars and Disney princesses. It was sometimes hard work trying to keep an image in your mind, but it was always worth it. It was always new, and it was always exciting.

I tried opening up the spank bank recently, and to my dismay, it was nearly bare. The maintenance of the spank bank is a time-honored tradition, and one that I feel I had personally forgotten. I am taking steps to reopen it, filling it with new ingredients, but of course, it’s not the fate of my own spank bank that I fear for, but the fate of future generations. The idea of a spank bank has become measurable in megabytes instead of memories, and there is something wrong with that. It’s too easy to forget the beginnings of male curiosity. It didn’t start at redtube or tube8. It didn’t begin with youporn or pornotube. Its beginnings were about more than a click of the mouse and a quick fap-crap-n-nap. There was a time when I fantasized about getting home from school so I could open up my bank, and see what I’d gotten that day. I’ve begun to see if I can bring these days back for myself, and although I’m a little rusty in practice, I feel it’s something important that I’m working towards.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chat Roulette

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with chat roulette. I mean, come on . . .

Okay, I know you more than likely have heard of chat roulette, and maybe you think this post is a little late on the topic, but I felt that to speak to the trend at the height of it's popularity would render the following to mere band-wagon status. It's been months since people were all flustered over the idea of being able to comfortably surf stranger's dicks, and so I think I can now speak on the topic with my own true, apt analysis.

First of all, I'll admit it, I've used chat roulette. Sober even, and I'm not ashamed. I try my best to stay as close to the forefront of internet culture as I possibly can, and so it was imperative that I spin the wheel to see how big of a dick it lands on. My use, however, was strictly scientific. I believe that everyone in the world has at least one exact twin. Although I'm not prevailingly religious or atheistic, I don't believe that God or Nature could come up with six billion different looking people. I mean that's just bologna. So, naturally, what better way to search for this twin of mine than on Chat Roulette. I was able to cycle through thousands of people, or perhaps I should say, heads, unsuccessfully searching for my twin (although I do feel as though I was close to finding him). So this is my main argument as to why Chat Roulette was such a phenomena.

I say was because it has significantly died in popularity. Although it still has a large user-base, it's heyday is over. Which is too bad, because I think it had a lot of promise. Only a few times did I dabble with fortune's wheel whilst enjoying a few drinks. It became popular as a meme like star wars kid, instead of as a tool like google. And that, in my opinion, is too damn bad.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Work Dumps

Have you seen this? have you heard about this? What's with it being so awesome to poo at work? I mean come on.

I don't think I've met a single person who doesn't enjoy a good bowel movement. You get to relax, take a load off, and shed a couple pounds. It's just good for your health. But how are you supposed to enjoy that(those) time(s) of day when you're thinking about how you could be getting paid to do it at work? I have a pretty easy job. I mean I work with amazing people, and the actual work isn't too strenuous. And pretty much the only good thing about being paid an hourly wage (as opposed to a salary or volunteering) is that when you have to beef, you're being paid an hourly wage. I know it's not a huge chunk of cheese, but it adds up. I figure, I make around ten dollars an hour currently, and average a dump and a half a day. So if I work four days a week, and save my BM, that's 6 poopoos a week. Estimating that I can put in a good ten minute workout per dump, that's a whole hour of pay I'm getting for just doing my thang. Therefore, in a year, I stand to make 520 bones just dumping. That's pretty damn fantastic. The problem is, how am i supposed to comfortably shit when I'm not working? That's like losing money! Anyways, until I can harness the shutter speed of my sphincter to work in my favour, I'm leaking money like a stuck pig. I guess I'll have to get back to you on a solution.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Gettin' Fresh

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people liking sex so much? I mean come on.

You and I have had an off and on relationship via this for quite some time now, and I suppose I can begin being a bit more honest with you. I was watching television, and the characters were talking about this phenomena commonly referred to as regular sex. Anyways, I thought back to my past relationships, and the aforementioned regular sex, and I realized that what I miss most from sexual relationships is not the regular sex or the sex at all, but the intimacy of kissing. I love kissing. I mean sex is pretty great, but it’s not all that exclusive. I have two hands that I can fuck, so I really don’t need a vagina. What I don’t have is another pair of lips to kiss or make out with, which is why, in any relationship, I’ll always prefer making out to sex. I don’t mean to sound gay or anything, that’s just how I feel.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.