Fap-Crap-n-Nap

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with people not Fap-Crap-n-Napping regularly? I mean come on.

This one's gonna be a lil shawty, but I just wanted to riff for a few bars on the idea while I had the passion. So my job involves me working early-early in the day, so naturally, I am a big fan of the mid-day nap. However, when I get off work, I usually wanna hit the nap right away. But, my head is swimming with so many good ideas and funny jokes that it's impossible to quell the gems bouncing around in my applesauce.

Enter the Fap-Crap-n-Nap.

You get home all riled up from a hard day's labour, you rub one out to your fav boner jam. You're feeling a little better now. You hump it to the can, and drop off a fat load. You're a new man. You touch head to the pillow, and you're on your way to being rested and ready for whatever the rest of the day throws at you.

However, don't think that I've just thrown these ideas together willy-nilly. It's a science. To show you what I mean, I'll throw you a couple basics. First of all, the order. Obviously, nap comes last, but can you crap and fap? hell fucking no. If you crap first, and your butt is still going to be chattin about the dump you took, and it's gonna be smelly when you start poundin' your puddin'. You need to fap it first, so that you can crap it, and take a good pee so that the load remnants don't glue your dickhole closed. Well you say, maybe you wanna wake yourself up with a good beef jerky. To which i respond thusly: Say you're sleeping, and your buddy calls you up and says, "hey you gotta come bang this chick for me!" Instead of being a bad-ass friend, and taking 10 to rub out the easy one (if this is a practice you follow), you're going to be ready to rock, having given yourself a little tug, pre-nap-like.

And so, there you have, the magic of the fap-crap-n-nap.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

For a wealth of information on napping in an entertaining form, refer to:

http://www.thehighdefinite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/FlS8o.gif

The Perversion of Erotica

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people not using spank banks anymore? I mean come on.

I was in a 3rd-year English class, and somehow, my professor got onto the topic of masturbation. He confessed openly, of how in the 60s, he and his peers would use The Kinsey Report as erotica, under the guise of scientific research. It stirred within me, feelings and longing for a time lost.

My childhood, in the rural county.

The family computer.

The 56k modem.

Growing up, the options for erotica were limited, but the possibilities were endless. Sure, there was lingerie catalogues, suggestive music videos, cheap, late-night, soft-core porn and infomercials, but these were merely ingredients in the big dish. Every titillating sense, no matter how small, or impossible, was imported into the spank bank.

From it, there was no limit. Nobody saying ‘No’ or ‘Don’t Do That’ or ‘You’re Done Already?’. Just synapses rerouting wildly between gargantuan-titted chicks, spliced together of dead pornstars and Disney princesses. It was sometimes hard work trying to keep an image in your mind, but it was always worth it. It was always new, and it was always exciting.

I tried opening up the spank bank recently, and to my dismay, it was nearly bare. The maintenance of the spank bank is a time-honored tradition, and one that I feel I had personally forgotten. I am taking steps to reopen it, filling it with new ingredients, but of course, it’s not the fate of my own spank bank that I fear for, but the fate of future generations. The idea of a spank bank has become measurable in megabytes instead of memories, and there is something wrong with that. It’s too easy to forget the beginnings of male curiosity. It didn’t start at redtube or tube8. It didn’t begin with youporn or pornotube. Its beginnings were about more than a click of the mouse and a quick fap-crap-n-nap. There was a time when I fantasized about getting home from school so I could open up my bank, and see what I’d gotten that day. I’ve begun to see if I can bring these days back for myself, and although I’m a little rusty in practice, I feel it’s something important that I’m working towards.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.