Jason Schwartzman's character on Bored to Death once said that, "The world is completely melting and yet beautiful women are still being produced. It's the one positive of these preappocolyptic times." Well, it's my intention to be around after whatever apocalypse he's talking about, and I have faith that it's my steady, unwavering fast food consumption that is going to give me the biological edge to survive.
I fucking love fast food. All types, all flavours. All the lowest grade meats, all the shitty service, all the unsanitary conditions. Despite having no research to back this up, I think that by conditioning myself to these often horrifying conditions has left me with an iron stomach, and a post-evolutionary resistance to shitty food. It's been about four years since I began this journey to my present superhuman state. It began as a slight addiction to the salty snacks and meals that I was mostly deprived of as a child, and having such temptations a stone's throw away, I couldn't help but indulge. However, this innocent indulgence soon became a lifestyle for me, as I found myself planning my weeks around the specials menu at Burger King, and eating late night Chinese food instinctively after late bouts of intoxication.
But, I seek not your pity! Instead, follow my lead to salvation. The possible, or near-certain pros of my gluttonous lifestyle first came to me when playing Fallout, a videogame based on a future where nuclear war has left the earth ravished, and stricken with radiation. Your near every choice for food and drink is reduced to glowing goods, riddled with radiation and toxins. Following my logic, you can see how in such a world, I would be quick to adapt comfortably to day-to-day life.
Also, another benefit of this lifestyle I abide is a sunken standard for food. My pallet has been so far reduced that even the most rudimentary tastes leave me salivating. This proved especially useful during an endeavor a friend of mine and me undertook not too long ago. Restricting our diets to a mere can of tuna, and one or two increasingly bland fruits and vegetables for two weeks, we both sought to shed a couple pounds (you can read more about it in his blog here). Speaking for myself (as this friend of mine unspeakably better than me in the culinary arts) I found the challenges of such a reduced diet to be less difficult to overcome.
As you can see, there are a number of choice benefits to my lifestyle, including but not limited to, the few mentioned here. So to those who look down on me from your fancy meal, I say keep your white tablecloth and your carte des vins, a wildcard or two is more than enough to keep me satisfied.
Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.
