Fap-Crap-n-Nap

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with people not Fap-Crap-n-Napping regularly? I mean come on.

This one's gonna be a lil shawty, but I just wanted to riff for a few bars on the idea while I had the passion. So my job involves me working early-early in the day, so naturally, I am a big fan of the mid-day nap. However, when I get off work, I usually wanna hit the nap right away. But, my head is swimming with so many good ideas and funny jokes that it's impossible to quell the gems bouncing around in my applesauce.

Enter the Fap-Crap-n-Nap.

You get home all riled up from a hard day's labour, you rub one out to your fav boner jam. You're feeling a little better now. You hump it to the can, and drop off a fat load. You're a new man. You touch head to the pillow, and you're on your way to being rested and ready for whatever the rest of the day throws at you.

However, don't think that I've just thrown these ideas together willy-nilly. It's a science. To show you what I mean, I'll throw you a couple basics. First of all, the order. Obviously, nap comes last, but can you crap and fap? hell fucking no. If you crap first, and your butt is still going to be chattin about the dump you took, and it's gonna be smelly when you start poundin' your puddin'. You need to fap it first, so that you can crap it, and take a good pee so that the load remnants don't glue your dickhole closed. Well you say, maybe you wanna wake yourself up with a good beef jerky. To which i respond thusly: Say you're sleeping, and your buddy calls you up and says, "hey you gotta come bang this chick for me!" Instead of being a bad-ass friend, and taking 10 to rub out the easy one (if this is a practice you follow), you're going to be ready to rock, having given yourself a little tug, pre-nap-like.

And so, there you have, the magic of the fap-crap-n-nap.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

For a wealth of information on napping in an entertaining form, refer to:

http://www.thehighdefinite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/FlS8o.gif

The Perversion of Erotica

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people not using spank banks anymore? I mean come on.

I was in a 3rd-year English class, and somehow, my professor got onto the topic of masturbation. He confessed openly, of how in the 60s, he and his peers would use The Kinsey Report as erotica, under the guise of scientific research. It stirred within me, feelings and longing for a time lost.

My childhood, in the rural county.

The family computer.

The 56k modem.

Growing up, the options for erotica were limited, but the possibilities were endless. Sure, there was lingerie catalogues, suggestive music videos, cheap, late-night, soft-core porn and infomercials, but these were merely ingredients in the big dish. Every titillating sense, no matter how small, or impossible, was imported into the spank bank.

From it, there was no limit. Nobody saying ‘No’ or ‘Don’t Do That’ or ‘You’re Done Already?’. Just synapses rerouting wildly between gargantuan-titted chicks, spliced together of dead pornstars and Disney princesses. It was sometimes hard work trying to keep an image in your mind, but it was always worth it. It was always new, and it was always exciting.

I tried opening up the spank bank recently, and to my dismay, it was nearly bare. The maintenance of the spank bank is a time-honored tradition, and one that I feel I had personally forgotten. I am taking steps to reopen it, filling it with new ingredients, but of course, it’s not the fate of my own spank bank that I fear for, but the fate of future generations. The idea of a spank bank has become measurable in megabytes instead of memories, and there is something wrong with that. It’s too easy to forget the beginnings of male curiosity. It didn’t start at redtube or tube8. It didn’t begin with youporn or pornotube. Its beginnings were about more than a click of the mouse and a quick fap-crap-n-nap. There was a time when I fantasized about getting home from school so I could open up my bank, and see what I’d gotten that day. I’ve begun to see if I can bring these days back for myself, and although I’m a little rusty in practice, I feel it’s something important that I’m working towards.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Chat Roulette

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with chat roulette. I mean, come on . . .

Okay, I know you more than likely have heard of chat roulette, and maybe you think this post is a little late on the topic, but I felt that to speak to the trend at the height of it's popularity would render the following to mere band-wagon status. It's been months since people were all flustered over the idea of being able to comfortably surf stranger's dicks, and so I think I can now speak on the topic with my own true, apt analysis.

First of all, I'll admit it, I've used chat roulette. Sober even, and I'm not ashamed. I try my best to stay as close to the forefront of internet culture as I possibly can, and so it was imperative that I spin the wheel to see how big of a dick it lands on. My use, however, was strictly scientific. I believe that everyone in the world has at least one exact twin. Although I'm not prevailingly religious or atheistic, I don't believe that God or Nature could come up with six billion different looking people. I mean that's just bologna. So, naturally, what better way to search for this twin of mine than on Chat Roulette. I was able to cycle through thousands of people, or perhaps I should say, heads, unsuccessfully searching for my twin (although I do feel as though I was close to finding him). So this is my main argument as to why Chat Roulette was such a phenomena.

I say was because it has significantly died in popularity. Although it still has a large user-base, it's heyday is over. Which is too bad, because I think it had a lot of promise. Only a few times did I dabble with fortune's wheel whilst enjoying a few drinks. It became popular as a meme like star wars kid, instead of as a tool like google. And that, in my opinion, is too damn bad.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Work Dumps

Have you seen this? have you heard about this? What's with it being so awesome to poo at work? I mean come on.

I don't think I've met a single person who doesn't enjoy a good bowel movement. You get to relax, take a load off, and shed a couple pounds. It's just good for your health. But how are you supposed to enjoy that(those) time(s) of day when you're thinking about how you could be getting paid to do it at work? I have a pretty easy job. I mean I work with amazing people, and the actual work isn't too strenuous. And pretty much the only good thing about being paid an hourly wage (as opposed to a salary or volunteering) is that when you have to beef, you're being paid an hourly wage. I know it's not a huge chunk of cheese, but it adds up. I figure, I make around ten dollars an hour currently, and average a dump and a half a day. So if I work four days a week, and save my BM, that's 6 poopoos a week. Estimating that I can put in a good ten minute workout per dump, that's a whole hour of pay I'm getting for just doing my thang. Therefore, in a year, I stand to make 520 bones just dumping. That's pretty damn fantastic. The problem is, how am i supposed to comfortably shit when I'm not working? That's like losing money! Anyways, until I can harness the shutter speed of my sphincter to work in my favour, I'm leaking money like a stuck pig. I guess I'll have to get back to you on a solution.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Gettin' Fresh

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people liking sex so much? I mean come on.

You and I have had an off and on relationship via this for quite some time now, and I suppose I can begin being a bit more honest with you. I was watching television, and the characters were talking about this phenomena commonly referred to as regular sex. Anyways, I thought back to my past relationships, and the aforementioned regular sex, and I realized that what I miss most from sexual relationships is not the regular sex or the sex at all, but the intimacy of kissing. I love kissing. I mean sex is pretty great, but it’s not all that exclusive. I have two hands that I can fuck, so I really don’t need a vagina. What I don’t have is another pair of lips to kiss or make out with, which is why, in any relationship, I’ll always prefer making out to sex. I don’t mean to sound gay or anything, that’s just how I feel.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Schindler's List

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with Schindler's List being such an amazing cinematic achievement? I mean, come on.

Now I'm not actually racist. I slang a few off-colour jokes from time to time (no pun intended) but I don't really give a shit about culture, religion, etcetera. If I have one problem with any race, it's white people, but I ought to save that for another post. You can see then, why I'd be so confused when a movie like Schindler's List is so good. I mean, it's pretty much the best movie I've ever seen, and it wouldn't exist if six million Jews weren't murdered during the 40s.

From time to time, I like to get liquored up all by my lonesome, and enjoy the fine acting of Liam Neeson, who's a fucking god, and Ralph Fiennes, who ain't too bad either. But does that make me a racist? I'd say no. Although, does that in a round about way make me enjoy the holocaust? I don't know, but i feel like it does, and I don't know what to do. It's fucking entrapment. It's like hearing a really funny joke before you're forced to watch someone die. It's a terrible terrible thing, but you're going to laugh because you can't help it. Shit ain't fair. And I don't know what to do, aside from crack another beer, and continue to wish Liam Neeson was my biological father.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

ASNFVR

I had to study for a midterm last week. Instead I made this. I got pretty good at them by the end. I sent it to a website, but I haven't heard back. http://asianposes.com/