Work Dumps

Have you seen this? have you heard about this? What's with it being so awesome to poo at work? I mean come on.

I don't think I've met a single person who doesn't enjoy a good bowel movement. You get to relax, take a load off, and shed a couple pounds. It's just good for your health. But how are you supposed to enjoy that(those) time(s) of day when you're thinking about how you could be getting paid to do it at work? I have a pretty easy job. I mean I work with amazing people, and the actual work isn't too strenuous. And pretty much the only good thing about being paid an hourly wage (as opposed to a salary or volunteering) is that when you have to beef, you're being paid an hourly wage. I know it's not a huge chunk of cheese, but it adds up. I figure, I make around ten dollars an hour currently, and average a dump and a half a day. So if I work four days a week, and save my BM, that's 6 poopoos a week. Estimating that I can put in a good ten minute workout per dump, that's a whole hour of pay I'm getting for just doing my thang. Therefore, in a year, I stand to make 520 bones just dumping. That's pretty damn fantastic. The problem is, how am i supposed to comfortably shit when I'm not working? That's like losing money! Anyways, until I can harness the shutter speed of my sphincter to work in my favour, I'm leaking money like a stuck pig. I guess I'll have to get back to you on a solution.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Gettin' Fresh

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people liking sex so much? I mean come on.

You and I have had an off and on relationship via this for quite some time now, and I suppose I can begin being a bit more honest with you. I was watching television, and the characters were talking about this phenomena commonly referred to as regular sex. Anyways, I thought back to my past relationships, and the aforementioned regular sex, and I realized that what I miss most from sexual relationships is not the regular sex or the sex at all, but the intimacy of kissing. I love kissing. I mean sex is pretty great, but it’s not all that exclusive. I have two hands that I can fuck, so I really don’t need a vagina. What I don’t have is another pair of lips to kiss or make out with, which is why, in any relationship, I’ll always prefer making out to sex. I don’t mean to sound gay or anything, that’s just how I feel.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Schindler's List

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's with Schindler's List being such an amazing cinematic achievement? I mean, come on.

Now I'm not actually racist. I slang a few off-colour jokes from time to time (no pun intended) but I don't really give a shit about culture, religion, etcetera. If I have one problem with any race, it's white people, but I ought to save that for another post. You can see then, why I'd be so confused when a movie like Schindler's List is so good. I mean, it's pretty much the best movie I've ever seen, and it wouldn't exist if six million Jews weren't murdered during the 40s.

From time to time, I like to get liquored up all by my lonesome, and enjoy the fine acting of Liam Neeson, who's a fucking god, and Ralph Fiennes, who ain't too bad either. But does that make me a racist? I'd say no. Although, does that in a round about way make me enjoy the holocaust? I don't know, but i feel like it does, and I don't know what to do. It's fucking entrapment. It's like hearing a really funny joke before you're forced to watch someone die. It's a terrible terrible thing, but you're going to laugh because you can't help it. Shit ain't fair. And I don't know what to do, aside from crack another beer, and continue to wish Liam Neeson was my biological father.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

ASNFVR

I had to study for a midterm last week. Instead I made this. I got pretty good at them by the end. I sent it to a website, but I haven't heard back. http://asianposes.com/

slow walkers on the sidewalk

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Nothing drives me more crazy than when people walk slowly, or worse yet, stand still. I mean come on. . .

How much of an asshole can you be? I mean, I wouldn't consider myself that busy of a person, and it still annoys the shit out of me. The sidewalk is for walkin' not for lallygagging, or sight seeing. If for some reason, you need to slow your pace, move out of the god damned way, and don't hold up other people. Even worse is when some asshole is standing walking slow in the middle of the sidewalk. It's enough to drive a man crazy. it's called a sidewalk, not an in-the-middle walk.

When you're on main streets, and there's garbages, mailboxes, and newspaper machines, and the realestate is even more limitied, it seems like people are even more eager to walk slow, and directly in your way. Sometimes, I guess, people are just assholes.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Name Etymology

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the point of learning the meaning of your name? I mean come on. . .

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and she asked me what my name means. I told her that I have no fucking idea, and she seemed shocked. I missed the point. I don't understand why people care what their name means, because it's obviously going to be something good. Nobody is going to give their child a name that means 'asshole' or 'douchebag' or whatever.
An example you ask? 'Adolf' means noble wolf. Adolf Hitler was a big dirty Nazi. There is no correlation there. I don't know, just seems fucking stupid placing importance in your name as I've been lead to believe, many do.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Completely Audible Whispering

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? I'm at the library, gettin' sars and shit, and there's these two assholes whispering to each other across the room, but it's completely audible to everyone. I mean, come on. . .

Aside from the point that it's a goddamn library, how hard is it to keep your voice down? Unless you're Gilbert-fucking-Gottfried, I don't see the problem. It's almost as if they learned to whisper from a cartoon. The whisper is so hammed up, it's almost like they're doing it to annoy you, as if to say, ;this is whisper conversation, but listen anyways, you dick!' The screechy, high pitch is enough to make me want to put a gun in my mouth.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.