Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Work Dumps

Have you seen this? have you heard about this? What's with it being so awesome to poo at work? I mean come on.

I don't think I've met a single person who doesn't enjoy a good bowel movement. You get to relax, take a load off, and shed a couple pounds. It's just good for your health. But how are you supposed to enjoy that(those) time(s) of day when you're thinking about how you could be getting paid to do it at work? I have a pretty easy job. I mean I work with amazing people, and the actual work isn't too strenuous. And pretty much the only good thing about being paid an hourly wage (as opposed to a salary or volunteering) is that when you have to beef, you're being paid an hourly wage. I know it's not a huge chunk of cheese, but it adds up. I figure, I make around ten dollars an hour currently, and average a dump and a half a day. So if I work four days a week, and save my BM, that's 6 poopoos a week. Estimating that I can put in a good ten minute workout per dump, that's a whole hour of pay I'm getting for just doing my thang. Therefore, in a year, I stand to make 520 bones just dumping. That's pretty damn fantastic. The problem is, how am i supposed to comfortably shit when I'm not working? That's like losing money! Anyways, until I can harness the shutter speed of my sphincter to work in my favour, I'm leaking money like a stuck pig. I guess I'll have to get back to you on a solution.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Gettin' Fresh

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? What's the deal with people liking sex so much? I mean come on.

You and I have had an off and on relationship via this for quite some time now, and I suppose I can begin being a bit more honest with you. I was watching television, and the characters were talking about this phenomena commonly referred to as regular sex. Anyways, I thought back to my past relationships, and the aforementioned regular sex, and I realized that what I miss most from sexual relationships is not the regular sex or the sex at all, but the intimacy of kissing. I love kissing. I mean sex is pretty great, but it’s not all that exclusive. I have two hands that I can fuck, so I really don’t need a vagina. What I don’t have is another pair of lips to kiss or make out with, which is why, in any relationship, I’ll always prefer making out to sex. I don’t mean to sound gay or anything, that’s just how I feel.

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.